Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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