cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Do vagina's smell?
smell my finger.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
