So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
