remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
