I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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