I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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