well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
