i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
