Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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