Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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