You just made me feel so damn special
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
