Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
