I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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