she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
