Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
