We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
