You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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