Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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