We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
