not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
