can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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