Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
