The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
