we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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