By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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