You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize