when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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