seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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