Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
