So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
