Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
even my farts smell like vagina
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
