so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
