now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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