A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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