Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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