it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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