Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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