Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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