1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
