last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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