I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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