and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
