We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
