WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
