I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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