Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
