I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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