I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
