right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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