for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
