dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
