woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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