There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
