I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
