i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
jump out the window naked night went bad
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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