Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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