somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
