i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
