I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
