Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
