I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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